Alright, you poor, pathetic net-surfers. I guess it's about time for
me to leak out a bit more material from the "Live 1983" CD that Kevin
"Wilkes" Booth offered to Ryko a few years back, which the label
turned down in favor of releasing CDs culled from the Hicks family
archives instead. Most of this you've never seen or heard, but you can
easily see how some of Bill's later classics "grew' out of this stuff:
>NEWS OF THE DAY<
Did you hear about this guy that found eight pounds of pure cocaine
floating in the Houston ****p channel? Guy works in the ****p channel;
he's walking down by the water one day, taking a break, smoking a
cigarette... and he sees this BAGGIE floating by, got some white ****
in it. Hmmm. So he picks it up, and ummmmm... eight pounds of pure
Peruvian cocaine! And you know what he did with it? He turned it in!
Isn't that great? Even RONALD REAGAN is goin':
"You ****in' DICK!"
He could've:
(a) sold it and retired or
(b) enjoyed his stupid job for the rest of his life!
"Oh, no! I'm turnin' it in! Here ya go! God Bless
America!"
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>CARS AND GIRLS<
What do you drive, sir? A "Z"? I guess that's a "Z-28"...? What? A
DATSUN? Oh, God! Oh, no!!! That means "got my dick to my ankles,"
man! Ya see, ladies, you don't understand how guys think. Drive a car
like that and other guys will come up to you 'n' go:
"That's a fine car, dude! You must get laid a lot!"
Is that a weird train of thought to you? I picture that same guy
looking at my girlfriend and saying:
"That's a fine girl, man -- I bet you get great gas
mileage!"
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>CROWNING THE KING OF POP<
Did y'all see Michael Jackson on the Grammys?:
"I want to thank all my brothers for being less
talented than me!'"
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>YOUNG MAN ON ACID<
I quit doing hallucinogens. My friends convinced me to stop -- not by
telling me to, but by me WATCHING them! 'Cuz they do LSD so
nonchalantly, it's getting scary to me! It really is. My friends are
like:
"Bill! We're going over to the Stop 'N' Go -- wanna do
a hit of acid?"
"No... I don't wanna be at Stop 'N' Go for TWELVE
HOURS, thank you!"
Sure sounds fun, though:
"The Snickers Bar spoke to me!!!"
Or goin' up to the guy working there:
"I understand about Pearl harbor, man! You HAD to do
it!"
"Umm... You wanna some popcorn???"
"Hee hee! He thought we wanted POPCORN!!!"
I love people who want you to do stuff on acid to "enhance the trip":
"You're on acid? You GOTTA play Putt-Putt Golf!"
I'm on the third moon of Pluto right now -- and this guy wants me to
hit a golf ball through a clown's mouth!
'He seemed to SWALLOW IT! I TOLD YOU!!!"
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>100% RECYCLED MATERIAL<
I'm 21 years old right now, going through my ***ual prime... and boy,
are my arms tired!
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>HURRICANE BILL<
All I do now is drink, but it still makes me get philosophical. It's a
different sort of philosophy than on acid, but it's a fun sort of
philosophy; it's warm. About three weeks ago I got pretty drunk and I
realized I used to be a sperm cell! I want you to stay with me on this
story here, 'cuz it gets real deep real quick! I thought, I used to be
just a sperm cell -- why did *I* make it? My cell, right, out of all
the thousands of other cells that comprised my load? Y'know what I'm
sayin'? There's some ODDS there, man -- and I don't swim NOW!?! But
back then, I was GOIN' FOR IT:
"**** you, pal! This is my one chance at LIFE! Where's
the egg? I'm HERE!!!"
I thought, 'There must be a God!' Really! I wept, man -- like an
infant! And then it hit me: Every time I jerk off, I destroy a city
the size of Beaumont!
Luckily, I've BEEN to Beaumont! Don't worry about it, guys, you're
doing your country a favor! God Bless America!!!
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(And here, for those who missed 'em, are the bits I previously posted
from "Hicks Live '83"):
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>IT'S JUST A GAME<
This week, [televangelist] Jim Bakker was upset again, saying that the
language on TV is getting 'crude and vulgar', which was an
overreaction as usual, or that's what I thought anyway. But he played
examples from some shows & I was amazed -- I tuned in just in time to
hear...
"The Password is... '****'!"
Whoa! When did this start? How long was I out? Then the guy giving the
clues goes...
"Uhhhh... Bonnie Franklin."
"****?"
"DINGDINGDINGDINGDING!!!"
And Allen Ludden goes:
"Goddamn it, he GOT it!!!"
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>SHORT(s) AND SWEET(s)<
Y'know what would really suck? Finding out you're diabetic while going
down on a girl wearing candy panties:
"She thought I was gettin' into it -- I was having a
seizure!"
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PS: Wanna hear some funny songs? Check out these tunes on my IMEEM
page:
BACTERIA
(my Tom Lehrer-style ode to putrefaction that got the 'thumbs-up' from
Dr. Demento):
http://www.imeem.com/middlenamewayne/music/ZkEcK5g9/not_daniel_johnston_bac=
teria/
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- - -
WICKED WILL
(me and Daniel Johnston doing an especially nutty version of Dan's
mid-80s cult favorite tune):
http://www.imeem.com/middlenamewayne/music/41nwly3c/daniel_johnston_and_not=
_daniel_johnston_wicked_will_dan_joh/
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- - -
THE BIG PEACE RALLY
(a neutral-ground protest song I wrote/recorded/released on cassette
on Day 1 of Gulf War I):
http://www.imeem.com/middlenamewayne/music/f5a77pEy/boys_of_the_lodge_big_=
peace_rally/
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ACE OF SPADES
(the M=F8t=F8rhead classic as performed by my buddies, the Tenacious-D-
Approved, X-rated Neil Diamond cover band "The Diamond Smugglers"):
http://www.imeem.com/middlenamewayne/music/zeV6XBTe/diamond_smugglers_ace_o=
f_spades/
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And finally, cuz Yuletide can never come too early, take a peek at my
Xmas songs/video.
ROCK AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE (original demo)
(improvisation which became the holiday track on Daniel's "LOST &
FOUND" album):
http://www.imeem.com/middlenamewayne/music/Zl3hEqhO/daniel_johnston_not_dan=
iel_johnston_rock_around_the_christ/
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- - -
I KIDNAPPED SANTA CLAUS
(as first seen on my public access TV series "Apartment 108" in the
mid-80s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DNerOaTygPvg
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- - -
Hope y'all dig 'em. That's all for now!
-- Dr Strangemonde
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