A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he
observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the
hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom,
she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you
the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your
baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see
if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding
the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
Understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while
Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound
asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant
Marriage is a Chinese take-out
Love is cuddling on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa
Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children
Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early
Love is a romantic drive
Marriage is a tarmac drive
Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure
Love is sweet nothing in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank
Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"
In short, love is blind, marriage is an eye opener.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic
Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and
labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals,
they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with
some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty
partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke
until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their
professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They
explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to
come back in time to study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on
the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long
time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the
final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They
studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor
had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of
them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something
simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same
time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each
finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
For 95 points: Which tire?
--------ENJOY-------ENJOY--------ENJOY--------ENJOY---------
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
~ Women think all beer is the same.
~ Women brush their hair before bed.
~ Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modelling.
~ Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of
clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
~ Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you
can hear them.
~ Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an
effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
~ Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are.
That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so
successful.
~ Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a
chance to gossip.
~ Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't
stick?'
~ Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to
fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
~ Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when
there's a spider or a wasp involved.
~ Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And
they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell
two or three people.
~ Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel
like they're actually in control.
~ Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is
irrelevant; so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is
fair
game.
~ Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they
wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
~ Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
~ Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red
carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
~ The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.
~ Women don't understand the appeal of s****ts. Men seek
entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek
entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
~ Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's
doing. It might be the lottery calling.
~ If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of
clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven
day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll
feel like wearing each day.
~ Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners
in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a
tropical rain forest.
~ Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility,
'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the
apple?
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Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant
with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am,
I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree
and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still
paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and
the wife takes.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year
married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the
neighbours listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in
love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still
ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife wanted." Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the
friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to re****t it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the
husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be
here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I
wouldn't be here."
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact,
I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.
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King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was
showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had
a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically
useless.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening.
How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long
quest?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn
out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in
the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine
blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can
leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a
lengthy Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he
assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their
trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or
damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true
knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it
in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
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Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, were invited to a swanky masked
Halloween Party. His wife got a terrible headache and told Al to go to
the party alone. Al, being a devoted husband, protested, but his wife
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and
there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So Al
took his costume and away he went. His wife, after sleeping soundly
for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she
decided to go to the party. Since Al did not know what her costume
was, she thought she would have some fun by watching Al to see how he
acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted
Al cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick
he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His
wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive babe herself, Al
left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff
that had just arrived. She let Al go as far as he wished; naturally,
since he was her husband. Finally Al whispered a little proposition in
her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a
little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and
went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what
kind of explanation Al would make for his behaviour. She was sitting
up reading when Al came in and asked what kind of a time he had. Al
said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" Al replied,
"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Larry Flint, Janet Reno, and some other guys, so we went into the den
and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... I loaned my costume
to Bill and he told me he had a great time!"
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The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West
Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce
in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The
mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she
had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of
them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The
judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of
silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge,
when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out,
does it belong to me or the machine?"
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Hi Guys
Check this out...!
I have one
You have one
Your mother uses your father's one
And your auntie uses your uncle's one
A married lady would acquire one
But a divorced lady would lose her one
A Pope doesn't use his one
Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Chinese usually have short ones
While the Indian usually have long ones
Do you have one?
How long is your one?
Which one is your preferred one?
(see below for answer)
No Mischief!!!
Think again.....
No dirty feelings please!
Think.... Think...
No Clue!
OK.Give up ?? scroll down for the answer..........
Answer : Your Surname !!
I know you guys are filthy minded might have guessed something
wild!!!!!
Again read the passage with the Surname in your mind
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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him
little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try
to understand her at all.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought
for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep
with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother
if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and
tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and
asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an
op****tunity like that." The boy then went to his sister and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl
replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to
pass up that op****tunity!" The boy then went to his brother and asked,
"Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course,"
the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?" The
boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His
father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're
sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with
two ****s and a fag."
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1) You go to a party and you see a ***Y girl across the room. You go
up to her and say, "Hi, I'm great in bed, what about it?". That's
direct marketing.
2) You go to a party and you see a ***Y girl across the room. You
give your friend a tenner. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over
there is great in bed, what about it?". That's advertising.
3) You go to a party, you see a ***Y girl across the room. She comes
over and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, what about it?" Now
that is the power of branding.
--------ENJOY-------ENJOY--------ENJOY--------ENJOY---------
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