We could learn a lot from crayons:
Some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names
and all are different colors,
but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
*.*
Oneliners
If you drink a Fifth on the Fourth, you might not come Forth on the
Fifth.
Status Quo: Latin for "The mess we're in."
You can't get ahead while getting even.
Give some people an inch, and they think they are rulers.
Second place is the first loser.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman.
*.*
The older generation thought nothing of getting up
at five every morning . . .
and the younger generation doesn't think much of it either
If you're being run out of town,
get in front of the crowd
and make it look like a parade.
Mr. Parker saw his son's ****ner and demanded,
"Jimmy, who gave you that black eye?"
"No one," replied the spunky child. "I had to fight for it."
You can't fool all the people all the time but.
if you can do it once every four years,
you'll have a promising career ahead of you in politics.
Utility is when you have one telephone,
luxury is when you have two,
and paradise is when you have none.
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel.
If unexpected guests arrive,
they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.
*.*
Two duffers were playing together. After the first hole,
one said to the other, "What did you take on that hole?"
"I took a seven," the second duffer said. "What did you take?"
"I took a six," his friend said.
After the second hole, the first duffer said, "What did you..."
"Hey, not so fast," his friend said. "It's my turn to ask first!"
*.*
Musician Jokes
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a
musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can
do
that!"
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong
pitch.
Q: What's the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?
A: Vibrato
Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead
trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your
back
yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.
Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!
Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.
Q: What's the definition of optimisim?
A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.
Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up.
Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof
Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of therm.
Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a va***n cleaner?
A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.
Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds
Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.
Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
A: They're both murder on the high Cs.
Issue of the Times;
Locked in the Trunk of a Car: A Political Solution to Shopping by Stefan
Molyneux
Now that my wife has started taking political science courses, things are
getting really confusing at my house. Just this morning there was a knock
at
our front door. Opening it, I saw an enormous man, who asked for my wife.
"Actually, I think she's just heading out to go shopping," I said, my eyes
narrowing just a little.
"Yeah," he drawled, a toothpick working back and forth across his lips
like
a little oar. "I know. That's what I'm here for."
I stared at him, then shrugged. A personal shopper? Professional
bag-toter?
Foot-masseuse? Who knew?
I heard my wife coming downstairs. "Ah!" she exclaimed. "Excellent, I'm
just
ready!"
"All right," growled the man. He pulled out a large burlap sack from under
his coat. "Lean forward," he said to my wife, lifting the sack over her
head.
I made a motion to grab his arm, then decided to use words instead. "What
are you doing?" I demanded - not weakly, I hoped.
My wife held up her hand, smiling at the man. "It's okay," she said. "I'm
afraid my husband is a libertarian."
The big man rolled his eyes, then sighed and crossed his arms, leaning up
against the door frame.
"You see, honey," my wife smiled, "I really want to go shopping."
"So this. man gets to put you in a sack?"
"Of course! That's how it works. I didn't really understand it until I
started taking political science, but it's so radiantly clear now!"
"What is?"
"Well, before, when I wanted to go shopping, I wasn't very efficient. I
just
grabbed my purse and my car keys, went to the mall, and just - shopped. I
mean, how crazy was that? Now, I finally understand how it's supposed to
be
done. So when I want to shop, I call this fine gentleman, who takes my
credit card, puts me in a sack, puts the sack in the trunk of my car, then
drives me to the mall and does my shopping for me - and buys quite a bit
for
himself as well! Now isn't that so much better?" Her eyes shone.
"Seriously, honey - I have no idea how that even makes sense, let alone
could be 'better'!"
"Honey," she said soothingly, "this is how it is supposed to be done. If I
want to do something, I call a man up who forces me to do it! What could
be
better? It's perfect!"
"Do you get to keep your car?"
My wife looked inquiringly at the large man, sunning himself in our
doorway.
He shrugged. "Dunno. I guess I could use it for a day or two. I'll give
you
a call when I'm done with it, and you can come and pick it up. Okay?"
"No, it's not okay!" I fume. "If my wife wants to go shopping, she doesn't
need you to force her to go shopping, and buy things for yourself
besides!"
"Sweetie," my wife said soothingly. "It's exactly how things are supposed
to
work." She tapped her fingernails against her front teeth. "It's exactly
how
we help the poor with welfare programs, right?"
"What?"
"Well, we as voters want to help the poor, right? So we vote politicians
in
who force us to help the poor. They take our money, spend it on the poor
as
they see fit, and buy a lot of things for themselves as well! And if that
way of doing things is good enough for something as im****tant as helping
the
poor, surely it is good enough for something as inconsequential as my
shopping expeditions! Am I right, or am I right?"
"But - if we want to help the poor so badly that we vote politicians in
who
force us to help the poor, then what do we need the politicians for in the
first place? Why don't we just help the poor ourselves?"
"Ah," she said with a triumphant grin, "that's because we are too selfish
to
help the poor ourselves!"
"But if we're too selfish to help the poor ourselves, then surely we would
never vote politicians in who would force us to help the poor! And if we
don't want to help the poor, then the government will never do it for us,
because we'd never vote in a politician who promised that! So if the
majority of people want to help the poor, then they don't need to vote
politicians in to force them to help the poor, right?"
For a moment, she seemed confused. "Well."
"I mean, look what's happening here! In the past, if you wanted to go
shopping, you just went to the mall and bought whatever you wanted! Now,
look at all this extra overhead and complication - this guy has to come
and
put you in a sack, and drive you to the mall in the trunk of your car, and
then shop for what he thinks you might want, and buy stuff for himself as
well. How is that more efficient - or in any way better - than what
happened
before?"
She frowned. "No, that's."
"If we get all these politicians to force us to give them money to help
the
poor, what happens if they spend money in ways that don't help the poor?
What if they decide to spend more money on themselves than on the poor?
Can
we get our money back? You see, if we want to help the poor - or the sick,
or the old, or whoever - then we'll just do it, and we don't need the
government to force us to do it. If the government reflects the will of
the
people, then it doesn't need to force those people to do things. If the
government does not reflect the will of the people, then it is mere
tyranny.
Do you see what I mean?"
"Yes, but." My wife scowled, trying to reason her way out of the fog of
statism.
"I mean, who told you all this stuff?"
The big man leaned forward. "I did," he growled.
"Yes," said my wife distractedly. "Sorry I didn't introduce you. This is
my
professor of political science."
He stretched out his enormous hand. I stared at it.
"Hey," said the professor, dropping his hand suddenly. "I haven't got all
day. What say we put this to a vote? I mean," he added, leaning over my
wife, "I assume I can count on you to do the right thing, and show me that
you understand the course material."
She nodded slowly, staring up at him. I guess she really wants to pass his
course.
The professor raised his hand - the one with the sack. "Then I vote: let's
go shopping!" he grinned. "I need some stuff!"
My wife tightened her lips. "It's the right thing to do," she said,
raising
her hand and averting her eyes.
In a blink she disappeared into the sack. I was about to cry out in
opposition to this violation of sense, property, morality and rationality,
but of course I am in the minority, so what's the point?
Copyright 2007 LewRockwell.com
Quote of the Times;
"In the 32 years since I first came to the Senate - during the era of
Watergate and Vietnam - I have never seen a time when our Constitution and
fundamental rights as Americans were more threatened by their own
government." - Senator Patrick Leahy
Link of the Times;
http://www.pinktentacle.com/2007/02/hitachi-develops-rfid-powder/
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